How to Romance Your Wife
When You're a Logical Guy

If you typed how to romance my wife into a search bar, you probably weren't hoping for another list of forty romantic gestures for your wife. Those lists give you forty things to do and never say what any of them are for or what REALLY matters to her.

Why Most Guys "Skip" Romance

Most of us are good at things with a finished result you can verify.

Fix the sink, close the deal, the yard looks better than it did.

Romance doesn't give you one of those. You try something and you only find out from her face (sometimes).

In the book Wild at Heart, John Eldredge says men do this everywhere, not just at home: "We pick only those battles we are sure to win, only those adventures we are sure to handle, only those beauties we are sure to rescue."

He also names why we hold back what we've got: "Why don't men offer what they have to their women? Because we know down in our guts that it won't be enough."

What Does Romance Mean to Her?

In the book Captivating, John and Stasi Eldredge describe what a woman wants as three things: "to be romanced, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and to unveil beauty." Being romanced sits first on that list.

Eldredge again, in Wild at Heart: "Do you see me? asks the heart of every girl. And are you captivated by what you see?"

I was a guest on Marcy Sullivan's marriage podcast, and I told her men often hear the word romance and flinch. She said the word she uses instead is cherished. Romance is the higher elevation of a relationship, she said, beyond the day to day, and the reaction she's after is "Oh, he took some thought." She defined it this way: "That's romance, really. Anything that's a little intentional, a little bit out of the ordinary."

In our language as men, taking care of her tells her you've got her, but she may not receive it that way. Taking care of her does NOT tell her that you see her, and THAT's the answer to the question she carries.

Captivating puts it this way, for the man who's good at solving things: "Not a problem to be solved but a vast wonder to be enjoyed."

Think of Romance As A Moment

It's not about averages. It's about moments.

In the book The Power of Moments, Chip and Dan Heath lay out how people rate an experience: "we don't average our minute-by-minute sensations. Rather, we tend to remember flagship moments: the peaks, the pits, and the transitions." They also write: "for an individual human being, moments are the thing. Moments are what we remember and what we cherish."

The Heaths give three ways to build one: "First, boost sensory appeal. Second, raise the stakes. Third, break the script."

Dancing in your own living room breaks the script of every evening she's used to, which is what Date Nights Dancing is.

Try "The Gold Rose"

Here is a romantic moment that will make her heart skip because it:

1. Boosts sensory appeal. Buy a fake rose (one or a dozen) and spray paint it gold.

2. Raises the stakes. Write two sentences connecting gold to her: ie - precious, valuable, what holds its value while everything else goes up and down. In your handwriting. Eldredge: "She is made for and craves words from him."

Your first draft will be cheesy. Mine was. Rewrite it until it sounds like you talking.

3. Breaks the script. Put it on the driver's seat or on her pillow before she gets home, on a Tuesday, with no occasion.

Don't ask if she liked it. This is part of energetically leading (ie similar thing you'll learn in Date Nights Dancing).

Tonight, Before The Rose

Say something specific you noticed about her today, out loud. Not "thanks for handling the school thing." Try "That thing you said to your sister on the phone tonight was kind, and I noticed."

What stops most guys is what she'll say back.

Men tell me the thoughtful text prompts I give them are great, that they'd like to send one, and then they don't, and they all give me the same reason why: she's going to ask where this came from.

What I coach them to say back to her is this:

"I've been researching ways to be more thoughtful towards you... I'm trying this stuff because I want to show you how important you are to me... forgive me if it's not the perfect wording, but I'm trying to get to a better place to show you that I cherish you."

Marcy's reaction to that on tape: "That's a great response for sure."

If you'd rather start with a text, here is one to try today:

"Just a reminder I choose you. And I'm going to keep choosing you. I love [a specific character trait or physical feature you admire] about you."

Where To Start

Start with the sentence. Put the rose on her pillow this week.