Deeper conversation is usually not a talking problem. It's a question problem, and the right question does most of the work for you.
You already know how dinner goes. Who is picking up who, whether the permission slip got signed, what is happening Saturday. Then the plates go in the sink and the evening closes. You'd like to talk with her the way the two of you used to, and when you sit down to try it, you get about as far as "how was your day."
That's usually a question problem, and a question is a much easier thing to fix than a personality.
Below are the two rules that decide whether any question works, then twelve questions, easiest first. They come out of the conversation prompts I send couples every week, so I also know what came back when real husbands asked them.
Three things are working against that question.
It asks for a summary of fourteen hours. Nobody can do that on request, so she gives you the file-name version: fine, busy, long. Michael S. Sorensen, in I Hear You, calls good, fine, alright, okay, and not great cop-out responses, containers people reach for instead of naming what they feel. Ask for a summary and a container is what you get.
She has also answered it a few thousand times. The answer is loaded before you finish the sentence, and neither of you notices it happen.
And it doesn't tell her which part of her you're curious about.
A question that works usually does the opposite on all three counts. It names one slice of her day or one specific thing. It can't be closed out in a word without her hearing herself do it. And it makes it obvious what you were wondering about her.
The questions themselves are the easy part. The two rules below matter more.
A question asked across a cleared table, with nothing else going on, can feel like an interview. Side by side is easier for both of you. Something with your hands or your eyes busy gives her somewhere to look while she thinks.
A drive. Washing up after dinner. The fifteen minutes of a lesson in the living room, which is part of why the Date Nights Dancing program is built the way it is: easy swing taught at home, fifteen minutes at a time, both of you with the same thing to do.
One customer, Luke D., wrote in about where his end up:
I just wanna let you know that me and my wife go on a date every week and we ask your questions every time. Thanks so much for helping us continue to get to know each other even 27 years later.
The moment was already on the calendar, which is most of the case for keeping a standing night the two of you don't move.
This is where most of us lose it, usually because we're trying to help. She tells you something hard and the repair kit comes out before she has finished the sentence.
Sorensen puts it plainly:
If someone is venting or sharing a negative experience, do not jump in with advice unless they ask for it.
Advice offered before she feels heard tells her two things you did not mean to say: that you don't think she should feel this way, and that you'd have handled it better.
If you have a thought you genuinely want to offer, he suggests asking for the door to be opened first:
I have a few thoughts on that. May I share them?
If she says no, listening was all she wanted. I've written separately about how to listen to your wife when what she says is hard to hear.
For the next few minutes, your only job is to want more of what she's saying. Ask one more question about it.
A word on the order. There's a well-known set of thirty-six questions that Professor Aron and his colleagues developed to accelerate intimacy between strangers, and the ordering is the useful part of it. As the write-up of that list puts it, "They escalate in intensity of self-disclosure but you don’t have to start at the start." That work was built for strangers meeting in a lab, not for people fifteen years into a marriage, so I'd hold the research loosely and keep the ordering. Easy questions early make the harder ones possible later.
Two more things before the list. Whatever you ask, be ready to answer it yourself, in as much detail as you asked for. Otherwise she's the only one in the room taking a risk. And from that same write-up: "Remember it’s not an interview, so don’t keep charging out questions one after the other."
Ask one. Maybe two, if the first one opens.
"What did you laugh at today?" It asks for one moment instead of fourteen hours, and almost everyone has one. If she can't think of anything, give her yours first and ask again in a minute.
"If you had a Saturday where nobody needed anything from you, what would you do with it?" It lets her say what she wants without having to ask you for it. If she says "sleep," follow with "and after that?"
"What's something you used to do that you'd like to get back to?" Past tense makes it safe to answer. If she shrugs, name something you remember her doing and ask if she misses it.
"Who do you wish you saw more of right now?" It's about her world rather than about the two of you, which is why it's an easy one to answer honestly. Follow with "when did you last talk?"
"What's something you did this year that nobody gave you credit for?" Most people have one and almost nobody gets asked for it. If she deflects, tell her one of yours first and give her a second run at it.
"How do you know I love you?" This one came from a customer, Tiffany B., who sent it in as a suggestion. It asks which of the things you do reach her. If she goes general, ask for a small one, a specific one from this week. Her own reason for suggesting it, and the example she gave with it, are worth reading in her words in what actually makes your wife feel loved.
"What's the hardest part of your day that I don't see?" It admits there's a part you don't see, which is usually true. When she tells you, don't solve it. Ask what that hour is like.
"When you picture us in five years, what's different?" Future tense pulls out things she wants that she hasn't put into a sentence yet. Follow with "which part of that do you want most?"
"What's something you've changed your mind about since we met?" It gives her a way to show you how she's changed without having to announce it. Follow with "what changed it?"
"Is there something you've been meaning to tell me and haven't?" It gives her an opening. If nothing comes, don't fill the gap. Say "no rush, whenever" and leave the door open.
"When have you felt closest to me?" A memory prompt with a pleasant answer, which is why it belongs down here rather than up top. Follow with "what made that one stick with you?"
"What do you need more of from me right now?" The most direct question on the list and the best one to end an evening on. If the answer is vague, ask for a time she needed it and didn't get it, then say thank you and don't defend anything.
I send a set of these out every week, so I hear about them.
One husband, Sean L., replied after a round of them:
man, the conversation questions were deep. these triggered the longest conversations to date from the spark email!
Tommy B., the same man with the standing Friday dinner, wrote this after his wife answered the first one:
The answers and insight I’m getting from my wife from this week’s questions (really every week’s questions) are extremely deep, thoughtful, and encouraging for our relationship.
The weekly email is called The Spark. It's free, it's one email, and most weeks it carries a couple of questions like the ones above plus one idea for the two of you. Everything on this page came out of that. If you want the next batch sent to you instead of hunting for them, the box below is where to put your email.
Pick one question from the warm-up group. Not the deep ones, not yet.
Ask it in the car, or at the sink, or with music on in the living room. Answer it yourself, in as much detail as you asked her for. Then stop. You don't need a second one, and you don't need to tell her what it was for.
If she gives you a short answer, that isn't a failure. It usually means you caught a bad minute. Try the same one again in a better one. If she closes down every time and not just this once, that's a different problem than a bad question, and it's the one I'd work on first: what to do when she shuts down.
You went looking for how to have a better conversation with your wife. A lot of men feel the same gap at the dinner table and file it under something to deal with later. You're the one holding twelve questions, so the next time the plates go in the sink, you're not starting from how was your day.
The Thursday reminder over 100,000 couples love: ideas and conversation starters that deepen love, laughter, and intimacy.
